Taking The LEEP
“Side effects of LEEP” That’s what I typed into google in July.
This little bitty is for the women out there who need to read this when they type in that google search. This is my attempt to honor those who were brave enough to write about it so publicly, engaging others to find the freedom to discuss and understand this subject.
LEEP: Loop Electrosurgical Excision Procedure. A minor surgery that uses electric currents to burn off areas of the cervix contaminated with HPV. It is a precautionary surgery for women as cervical cancer cells breed in areas highly infected with HPV in our hoo-ha.
Last June I became one of those women. HPV infected. I had a general check up in April, and a test came back with the findings of abnormal cells. In May I was sent to an OBGYN who did a thorough biopsy. Three weeks later I received lab results that tested positive for HPV and four days after that I was forcing deep breaths on my doctors operation bed. Careful not to move a centimeter as she was precisely cutting out tiny fragments of my cervix — though it felt as if it was my stomach.
That week happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to process exactly what was going on in my reproductive system. My doctor gave me the breakdown over the phone, “We have to get this sorted, fast. It’s called a LEEP procedure. I go in and burn off the infected areas, then use a black tar-like substance to stop the bleeding. You will experience cramping, discharge, blood residue, and cannot have sex or use tampons for six to eight weeks afterwards. We will have a check up six months later to see how your cervix has healed and if the infection is gone. When it comes time for you to get pregnant, there’s a higher chance of having a premature baby due to your cervix being weakened. I would recommend planning a c-section because the scar tissue in your cervix makes it tougher to stretch for birth and will have to be snipped during the process or it will just rip. But all of this is better than having cancerous cells start to form. Are you available Tuesday?”
The whole procedure was scary, and oddly painful, in ways I didn’t really anticipate. They froze my entire body, inside and out. A thick needle in my arm that numbed me from the inside, then small injections in my vaginal canal and cervix to freeze the surface. They roll in this large, clunky machine, that when turned on was so loud it sounded like a vacuum my grandmother would’ve had in the 60’s. Attached on a cord was a large — cold — blue rubber band (like for taking blood pressure) to be wrapped and velcro’d around my thigh which absorbs the electric currents through my body. The hand held “wand” is an electric toothbrush sized device with a tiny wire strung across the top. That’s the “electric loop” which performs the excision, or the burning. Oh the burning… the smell of the burning flesh. The discomfort of hot energy that was up in my stomach. It lasted maybe 15 minutes, but felt like 45. Discomfort aside; the procedure went really well and I am so grateful for my doctor who did such a brisk and calm job. The physical recovery was quicker than she had told me it would be, (apparently I have a tough cervix) but the emotional side… that was much longer and is the reason I’m writing this piece.
Women are so in tune with their bodies, it’s almost god(dess)-like. Women stop getting their periods due to bodily changes: low body fat percentage seen in professional athletes, being overweight/obese and having high stress and/or anxiety. In addition to the medical, there are major emotional and intuitive factors for the shift, being that mentally they do not hold a strong foundation to birth a new life. If a woman is too stressed out or is below body fat percentage and isn’t menstruating, how can she be in a healthy state to care for her body that builds a human? Women are designed to be one with their reproductive systems, and I have learned this to be very true over the past couple months.
Can I side note and say that the subject of periods, birth, vaginas, infection and the sexual well being of a woman should not be taboo subjects. It only creates more discomfort and enables the topic to be pushed aside further if we allow it to remain labelled. As we fight for abortion rights and fair health care, let’s not be ashamed of what we endure, but take the position of power and live in this place of superiority as a species. We have stronger bodies, and have been condemned for it for… well… ever! Anyways…
I took one days bed rest, and was gentle with myself after my procedure. Physically I was on the mend but something mentally and emotionally was not right. I had panic attacks, I was crying more than usual, I was lethargic, I had totally lost my sex drive. Point blank, I had spun rapidly into a depressed state. Everything was slow, sad, hard, boring, negative and blah blah blah. After 6 weeks of this, I was sitting on my bed crying on the phone to my mum, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me I’m just so unhappy this isn’t me but I don’t know where I’ve gone!” With some small flicker in my head, I thought about my procedure and this timeline of my emotional decline. Could there be a side effect I was not made aware of?
Cue google search bar. As I started scrolling through articles written by medial sites, the very few blog posts and forums started to pop up: My LEEP procedure left me without a sex drive, My year long depression after LEEP, Does the LEEP surgery have serious emotional side affects? Stories written by women who were so affected by this procedure; she hasn’t had sex since before the surgery, she broke up with a boyfriend because she can’t get excited, she had to start taking anti-depressants because the depression got so bad. None of this was discussed between any of these patients and their doctors before going in for the procedure. It was this blurry and perplexing puzzle that had to be put together in a fragile state after the fact.
Now why are these side effects not a part of the discussion? One girlfriend told me it probably has something to do with the disassociation of women and her sexuality not being taken seriously. I definitely agree with that, you think if the equivalent of this procedure was done on a man, the first thing a doctor would bring up is, “Don’t worry Jimmy, you’ll still be able to get it up!” Fer-sure. It’s also clear in our society that mental health is the house least attended to. It’s all about putting a band-aid (medications) on the boo boo, and then when it gets infected, it’s untreatable and pushed behind curtains. Perhaps these two factors weigh in, but I also think it’s a lack of knowledge and sentiment to the synergy between a woman and her reproductive organ. I think a lot of doctors who perform this surgery, do not question the “spiritual” side effect, so to speak. The separated lines of medicine and the spirit or energy of life is one that still hasn’t been connected on a societal scale.
I’m not afraid to admit I was ashamed of what I had done back in June. I felt like my years of being so confused sexually and not understanding the power of my sex, caused me to make some not-so-thought-out-decisions, that resulted in this infection. But the more I condemned myself for it, the worse my downward spiral spun. In the end, I am responsible for my life choices and am pretty damn happy with who I have grown into as a woman. Nobody is perfect.
To all women who read this, LEEP or not… Remember the power you hold is greater than our logical mind can comprehend. Be gentle with yourself. Be honest. Listen to your gut, to your intuition. You know where your intuition lies? Low in your body, in the organ that builds finger prints and a brain and a spirit to a brand new human life. We are guided by her, and therefore must show her love in return. She needs to be cared for, and if the LEEP is part of that caring process as it was for me, look at yourself in the mirror every day and smile. Tell that woman you love her, and this discomfort and sad feeling will pass. You’ve just lost a physical part of your organ, your gut, your self, but you will rebuild.
