My Engagement Announcement
My Facebook feed is filled with wedding pictures. Baby pictures. *Holding keys in front of my front door because I just bought my first house* pictures. My friends from elementary and high school are for the most part being promoted, getting engaged, paying mortgages and becoming pregnant. My current phase in life? I’ll paint a picture that will give you a crystal clear image; I am writing this crosslegged on my bed, my mug of tea balancing upon a coaster on my duvet as my teddy bear is staring at me from his pillow perch, silently judging me (although I know he loves me). I have books and scripts scattered around and I’m moving apartments again next week so there are half filled boxes on the floor. I have no savings but an envelope of cash in my drawer, nor a steady income because I am still pursuing my performance art. I’m literally still 19. Just wiser. And with bigger boobs.
I often think about this… About where I should be in my life for my age. According to mathematics, my ten year high school reunion is coming up this June. What do I have to show for it? Well, I’ve travelled throughout half of Europe, Australia, Mexico, Africa and other random countries. Lived all over the place as a millennial gypsy, befriended amazing people and have various stories of adventure and taboo, you couldn’t even think up to write them. But on the contrary, I feel like I’ve failed in other ways. When it comes to the logistical stuff I suppose; relationships, occupation, real estate, retirement plan and offspring. I never went to college, alternatively, I travelled and lived abroad. Instead of investing in and growing the company I started back in 2011, giving myself financial security, I ran away from it to pursue my dream of being an actor. I’ve replaced potential marital relationships with choosing to be on my own and stubborn, not tied down.
Friends who have become close to me over the years will express to me, “I live vicariously through you!” or, “I would be so scared to live like you do.” But in some curious way, I am scared to live a life that is mapped out for me. Living by someone else’s rules. By the government telling me I am only allowed to be sick a certain number of days. Or that I can’t live anywhere else except for one town. That my art cannot be my focus in order to live this life of security. Actually, that terrifies me more than anything! Not being able to practice my art and create freely.
Perhaps this is the sacrifice of the artist. A life of comfort and security. And I understand that every person has forms of struggle, nothing is 100% smooth sailing. There have been moments when I have had no money, no idea when my next pay cheque was coming in because I had been focusing on a project so intensely, my income suffered. I have cried for days from the heartache of leaving a man I loved to only keep working and pursuing my passions. Instances where I have apologized to my mother over the phone for being such a nut job artist and causing her worry, but to trust me because it will all pay off one day.
There are hours in time where I laugh out loud, put my hands over my eyes, and shake my head thinking, “Why couldn’t you just be normal?!” Just… cause less stress for yourself. Have a normal job, live near your mum, get engaged, buy a house, have a kid while you’re still young enough that you can run around with her when she gets older!
I stand there, fighting back tears. Then lower my hands and refocus on my surroundings. And the simple fact is, I see the world differently. I don’t just walk around her, I walk through her, eager to be inspired by what she gives me. I tune into a song that is playing somewhere in the background, and start choreographing to it in my head. I walk down the street and see the people around me like they are extras in my movie and the emotions I feel at that moment are part of my character. I’m heading to my destination with a purpose because every where I go is for a reason and is a scene being played out in my life. This live action film.
I don’t know how the movie ends, but I have a pretty solid understanding. Despite all the questions, the conversations, the lonely bank statements and the tears, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because this sacrifice is for my art and that art isn’t just for me, but for those who are afraid to do it. Those artists who wish they could sacrifice and live the unknown.
Maybe this is my engagement picture… The wedding is coming and my dress will look something like this picture. And you all are invited because me, myself and I throw one hell of a party.
