Dear Daughter:
When I read about Daisy Coleman’s death last week, I sat down and tuned into her 2016 documentary on Netflix; Audrie & Daisy. My mind was racing the entire time, eyes glued to the TV, remote in my hand. If you haven’t seen it, I strongly urge you too. The profiled victim, Daisy, was raped by a 17-year-old boy while she was unconscious at 14-years. After years of intense struggle with the aftermath of her trauma, she committed suicide last week.
Between the bouts of anger and pausing or rewinding the film, taking deep breaths to really hear the ignorant remarks made by local police and justice system representatives - I had a repetitive thought — How am I going to explain this to my son and daughter one day? How do I tell my daughter she is always in danger? That one out of nine girls under the age of 18 will experience sexual assault and I have to teach her how to avoid it?
How do I explain this scenario: When a young girl tries drinking or smoking weed for the first time, she puts herself in a vulnerable and dangerous position. But when a young boy tries it his first time - he is just being a boy. So when a girl is assaulted, it’s her fault, because she put herself in the position of vulnerability. Regardless of the conscious state of the boy who is making the decision to assault.
Society has this deeply backwards. Without consequence to their actions, the protection of young abusive men allows them to continue abusing as they get older. While the young women literally lose their lives, because no body believed them. On a national scale we have seen Larry Nassar, Jeffrey Epstein, Brock Turner. All of these cases had eyewitnesses, but how long did it take to be brought to justice? If at all - in Brock Turner’s case. These poor young girls who are silenced, slowly self implode without the ability to love and trust themselves nor anyone else. Struggling to rebuild and make sense of it all.
So I just started typing. This frustration had to be filtered out of my body as I literally could not sleep. So at 1 a.m. I did a practice run of how I might attempt to explain this to my future twelve-year-old daughter…
Dear Daughter:
Being a teenage girl sucks. Periods, boys, physical development, cyber bullying - we just try to make the best of it and get out of high school alive. I want to be totally transparent with you about what can happen if you are not careful. Particularly anywhere that you and other kids are consuming alcohol or smoking pot.
First off, I won’t be mad at you for trying it. We’ve all experimented. The first time I got drunk I was 15 and smoked weed at 17. Experimenting as a kid is all part of navigating through this foggy tumultuous sea we call adolescence. It’s the worst. And for girls it feels even more terrible. Because girls are constantly being ridiculed, judged, compared and rated based on their looks, physical maturity and if they are “easy”. If you mature physically before you do emotionally - unfortunately the world sees you differently than you see yourself, and they make their opinions of you very clear. Boys will try to become intimate with you. A lot of the time they will act like they really like you. I hate to be so blunt; but there are going to be times where this is simply not the case. Some boys are trying to “win” a game, competing against each other to be intimate with more girls. Now, a few of these boys actually might be really kind and not play this game! Hopefully like your brother. But know that in this game - the girls always lose.
A big difference between most girls and boys, is that more often girls feel emotions very intensely. You know that little feeling you get in your tummy when you feel uncomfortable? That is called your intuition. That voice in your gut - the intuition - is like your inner goddess who has all of your best interest at heart and wants you to be the most amazing version of yourself. When you do something - like tease another person - it makes your whole body feel sick - right? Because you went against what your intuition wanted you to do or say. Your intuition is what will help you separate the boys who are kind, from the buttheads. I want you to picture your goddess-intuition as this beautiful-golden-jewel in your tummy; radiating with extreme power.
When it comes time for you to start attending parties, and boys flirt with you, telling you nice things so they can cuddle up to you - LISTEN to your intuition. Remember that YOU hold the power. You have this incredible gold inside you, and they want a piece of it. Every time you go against your inner goddess’ guidance and let a boy be intimate with you in a way that you do not feel comfortable with - a piece of your gold is chipped away and given to the boy who will then discard it without care of the value. Now your inner goddess-gold is a little bit smaller. You must reserve this gold for the boys who are awestruck by you and understand the gravitas of what you carry.
An element of being a girl that is just oh-so wonderful: Society will tell you that girls hold less value than boys. Boys are considered to be stronger, smarter, better athletes, have great potential, they turn into community heroes that are celebrated. And sometimes - that is very deserved! But for a girl to get similar praise takes much more work. A girl must achieve more to be celebrated the same. And typically - must be pretty. That part doesn’t matter for the boys though.
The words “slut” and “whore” are derogatory words used against girls for being intimate with boys. It is very important for you to understand that there are no equivalent words for them. These boys being intimate with girls, are again - celebrated - while the girls are shamed. Let’s say around the family dinner table a 17-year-old boy divulges he has lost his virginity, he is met with a chuckle and high five from his father. Same dinner table, and the 17-year-old girl says she has lost her virginity, would be followed by dead silence and a very serious discussion. Boys can be intimate with as many girls as they want to - but girls cannot. And yes you are probably thinking, “Doesn’t it take a girl and a boy to be intimate?” You’re right, it does. I still can’t put my finger on that discrepancy either, my love.
This next part is very important yet deeply confusing - so try to stay with me… Every time you step into a party, or social situation where there are boys present; you put yourself in harms way. When you take a sip of alcohol, you are in even more trouble. Because there are boys out there, who will take advantage of girls, using force. I know that this is a very foreign concept to you - I have been there myself. But it’s true. There are boys out there who will put physical and emotional pressure on a girl who is under the influence, forcing them into intimate acts without consent. If the girl is passed out, unconscious, blacked out; this is the most dangerous time for a girl as they are not awake to defend themselves. Even though you do not want to give a piece of your gold to an aggressive boy - he can decide to rip it from your body.
Under no circumstance can you allow yourself to get so drunk to a state of incoherence or black out. Although you will see your male friends do it - you cannot. If you see a girlfriend of yours in a bad state, you do not leave her side. You become her protecter. You see, boys don’t have to worry about having a piece forcefully taken from them while incapacitated - only girls do. You have to understand, if something were to happen to you, you will be the silenced victim, no one will believe you, and society will try to protect your abuser. Because the boy has “great potential”, and the girl put herself in a victimized situation.
Society will also send you very confusing messages about how you present yourself. We see how many young women on TV and in magazines dress or act. We see women in music videos wearing revealing clothing while dancing provocatively and men cheer it on. We see in advertisements women half nude selling a product. The instafamous you follow post selfies, bikini shots, nearly nude images for the world to see. It’s all very normalized and rewarded with big paychecks. So then you and your friends go to a party: You replicate outfits of famous instagram models and dance to music mimicking the moves of pop stars. But then you or your friend is sexually assaulted. And the response society sends you during your recovery is; Based on what she was wearing and how she was acting, she was asking for it.
Yes - I know - NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. Tell me about it. When you are older I will share my experiences. But know that I am also having a conversation with your brother - which is a bit different.
I will tell him that he must never put pressure on a girl to do something she doesn’t want to do. That being intimate with a girl is a serious decision, and one that should be made equally from both sides. I’ll tell him that if he sees a girl who is in trouble, he must always step in. There is never a situation in which he should allow something to happen to another girl while she is incoherent or in distress. A true man will always step in - even if that makes him the only boy to speak up. He will have to understand that not all his friends will think this way - they might tease him. But if he witnesses a girl being taken advantage of and he recognizes the wrong-doing but stays silent: he will be a coconspirator, prioritizing the abuser versus the victim. Realistically, the assaulted girl could be his very own sister.
This conversation may feel uncomfortable, and not make much sense to you now, but there is another reason I need to have it with you. The way society differentiates girls and boys used to be a lot worse. Girls and women had to fight for education at one time in our history. Fight for the right to vote. Speak up to injustices that our politicians and country-millionaires turned a blind eye to in exchange for women’s lives. It is your duty as a young woman to be true to yourself, speak your voice, and carry on the strength of the other girls, women, victims who have been summoning their courage to make it better for the next generation.
All that I have told you here is unfair and needs to change. Most of the time the kids that stand by and witness assault, or are the abusers and sometimes the victims; do not have these types of conversations with their parents. Open communication is something that not enough parents practice - yet it’s how we stop this cycle of imbalance in our system. Sons need to be taught how to respect their female peers. My job as a parent is to protect you, teach you and help you navigate through this world. So please talk to me. If anything happens to you or your friends, you tell me and your father immediately. And I promise - we will believe you.
Safe BAE is an organization dedicated to spreading awareness and providing a safe resource for teenage victims of abuse. You can learn more here.
