To Seek Attention
Ladies… I think I’ve come to a bit more of an understanding - not the whole thing entirely - but a few steps closer - as to why we date D-Bags. And why we can't figure it out when we’ve met an actual decent guy. And why we get bored and go for the bad boys again. And I hate to say it… but the conclusion I have drawn for myself and for other close girlfriends after hearing their ghosts of relationships past and present, is it strongly lies under two categories; Daddy Issues and our own Worthiness of Love. Ugh. This epiphany came to light upon reflection of my previous two to three year history of Boyz to Men. I have condensed it into three short chapters...
Chapter 1: My (shitty) Dumping Cycle
I found myself dating a series of very similar guys for quite some time, and none of them lasted more than three months and they all followed the same pattern. All at least four years older, very successful, financially sound, killing it in the big city, loads of single guy friends and very obviously not looking for a relationship. They would date me, chase me under the false pretense they wanted me as their girlfriend, and after playing hard to get, I would let them catch me. Once they ‘had’ me I would then see them start to lose interest in this game and instead of walking away and saying to myself, if he can't see you for how bad ass you are - leave him! I would continue vying for their love and affection. Needless to say they would end up leaving me or telling me they couldn’t give me what I wanted, and it would end with me feeling exhausted and simply heavy hearted.
After this ongoing cycle, I decided I was done and was not to date any more boys. I didn't want to feel this sense of self doubt and insecurity after these boys left me. I’m over it. So I deleted the one dating app I had and stopped giving my phone numbers to cute boys on set and in the bar. This was me time.
Chapter 2: The Clairvoyant
Being in tune with the energies of the universe is a constant driving force in my life, over the last year (since moving to LA), I integrated it even more so. Reading up on spirituality regularly, listening to the universe and my intuition with a heightened awareness and confidence. I had a reading with an akashic records reader, (on Halloween night obviously for the drama) as I wanted to speak to my spirit guides for the first time, which turned out to be an exhilarating experience. When we came to the topic of relationships, she said to me, “Your guides want you to know that you’re treating the men you date like you did your father at a young age. You’re in a cycle and you keep feeling left alone and abandoned and it’s not good for you, they’re worried and want you to stop. Tell me about what’s been happening, let’s understand it.” Well Ma’am! Let's reflect on Chapter 1. So she responded, “You rarely saw your dad growing up, and when you did see him he didn’t make time for you. You grew up seeking love and attention from your father. You feel like you have to be worthy of being loved, like you have to prove yourself and work for it. You’re treating these men like they are your father. Trying to prove to them you’re worth their love, affection, attention. Then you’re dropped - alone and abandoned when they leave - just like you felt with your dad.”
WOAH MIC DROP.
She was absolutely right. My entire life I spent craving attention, praise, pride, from my dad and (ex) step dad. I am so used to feeling like I need to work for love and to prove myself that I’ve grown accustomed to it as normalcy and it’s like a challenge in some twisted game. But in this messed up game; I never win, and I leave feeling like a total loser and the loss gets more painful to endure and makes me less enthusiastic for the next match.
I told her that I had recently decided to stop dating because I just feel exhausted and pessimistic about the whole thing. She told me to not give up or close off, because I deserve a good man and one will come for me soon, I need to stay alert and aware. To not let my past traumas or negative experiences make such a defense that it stops me from experiencing happiness in my future.
Chapter 3: Le Nouveau Boyfriend
During the same time as this reading, a very good boy-friend of mine, made it clear to me that he wanted to be more than friends. He took me out on a date and showed me such chivalry, kindness, attention and genuine emotion, I literally had no idea how to react so I resorted to defense and told him to back off. I was like, “Umm… I don’t really want a boyfriend right now. I’m just really focusing on myself. Thanks.” What an asshole! He respectfully listened and gave me space, but simultaneously showed me that he was unlike my series of boys before. He listened to me blab about how I needed to not be distracted from my career ambitions, how I didn’t want to be stifled by a relationship, and all the while I was subconsciously demanding attention from him and he was giving it to me with zero hesitation. Literal scenarios of me telling him I needed more space from him as we’re out for late night bites and he’s sitting beside me stroking my hair while I’ve got my legs intwined with his under the table. Just a tad confusing for the guy? I had thoughts of, woah this is a boring semi-relationship, because there was no game. No reading between lines, him taking ages to respond to me and no systematic moves of impressing him to have him see me for what I was capable of as a girlfriend. My 'normal' rocky waves of the dating pool were as calm as a lake at dawn because it actually was normal and healthy. After a couple months of this dance, I took a step back and realized that this was the first time I didn’t have to prove myself as this man was giving me exactly what I wanted. But it was so foreign to me I was pushing it away because I was scared of what happens next?!
I found myself comparing him to the previous men I had been with, He was older, He was famous, He was this and that. Yes - but he was also arrogant, selfish, scared of commitment and a coward with love. It felt like a literal Good Guy vs. Bad Boy. So I had a word with myself because I felt silly as hell. You’ve been dating the same type of guy for years now, and it leads you feeling the same way after every break up, and it feels like shit. No one has ever treated you like this. How are you willing to risk your heart for a guy you KNOW is not going to reciprocate your emotions but you can’t risk your heart for man the that wears his on his sleeve for you?
So I broke the cycle. Great decisions made there by the way.
I understand that it took me years to come to terms with “Daddy Issues”, (which by the way is a horrible phrase as if it’s the girls’ fault… that is another article) and that as confident and comfortable with myself as I am, there was a gaping space of where is meant to be my “self worthiness of love”. And that shit was hard! It’s incredibly difficult to comprehend that I didn’t have that worthiness there and it’s a total piss-take to point out to the women who are strong willed Hussey's. But it’s the truth and like a purge; it has to get worse before it gets better.
If you have to constantly be texting a guy to give you attention, he’s not the one for you. If he has to pick up the phone to hear your voice because he misses you, that’s not clingy, that’s the attention you deserve! Because he knows what he has and he’s going to work for it. Be a woman and understand what you need and find yourself a man who isn’t going to play games and use you as an accessory. Gift wrapping a hidden agenda with dinners and infrequent compliments that have you clawing at his legs for more attention. You’re worthy of being doted on and the men in your life don’t have to be replications of your father if you don’t want them to be. That's up to you! You create for yourself what you want as soon as you accept those circumstances. Love is glorious, not over bearing or clingy or stifling. These are our best years and Hussey's have no time to spend them on boys who suck the energy from us. As I say all of this by the way, it is one hundred percent a reminder to myself. We have to practice what we preach on the inter web.
