Fear.
I am sitting crosslegged on my bed - once again - with my tarot cards fanned out in front of me.
Not even been five minutes have passed between reading my cards and typing this article out in a mad-inspired-frenzy.
Four minutes ago, I slowly slid my cards into a row, spacing them out perfectly (as I do with that bit of Vegas blood that runs through me), thinking to myself how perfectly they will flip, domino style, starting from the left. In their perfection, I began the rise, teeter and flip of the row, but exactly one quarter way through - it abruptly cut. In natural tarot style, this means I am meant to see the card that ended the game. As I read her face my eyes stung. Fear.
Fear is an absolute ass. Ironically, I am most afraid of my own fear. Fear for me is the single and only thing that holds me back. Finances do as well, but I also strongly believe that my fear of not having finances actually holds me back from succeeding financially. Fear keeps me wide awake at night, racing my heart beat as anxiety. Fear has broken up relationships, costuming itself as a 'desire to be independent through singledom'. Fear has made me shut people out, it disguised weakness as strength. But most importantly, fear has nagged at me that what I want in my life is too hard. Fear tells me I do not have the talent, determination, diligence or resources to make my dream a reality.
At the beginning of 2018 I stated that my resolution was simple: to pour my energy into what I want, not what I fear. My fear is being unsuccessful. I was living tirelessly trying to just “be” successful. When really, the success comes with doing what I love. I know this, but the anxiety face of fear is intimidating.
When we really break “fear” down, it is completely fabricated in our minds and fed by our unique circumstances of how we grew up, our experiences and what we witnessed during our impressionable years. One example... When you are a baby or a really small child, you’re not terrified of spiders. You don’t understand they can bite you, or have eight eyes and creepy legs and move fast and you eat them in your sleep. You grow into fearing them as you see your parents kill the daddy long-legs because your older sibling freaks out as they climb the wall. I will admit - and this is a big one - I genuinely am only scared of spiders when I know I have a man to call and come kill it for me. True statement. If I’m single and living on my own with no one to lean on, I will squish that shit no problem. But if I have a man to call on the hotline bling, I will run into the next room, slam the door shut, ring him up and plead for him to come kill it for me. I choose to be the damsel in distress who needs her man, or a woman who don’t need nobody just only her least liked stiletto to kill. In this example, I am choosing when to be afraid.
Between the ages of about seven and thirteen, my family would go camping at Shuswap Lake in British Columbia every summer. When we were about nine, my step-sister became afraid of sharks and refused to go swimming in the lake. No matter how many times we told her this scenario she feared was literally impossible, she vetoed the water. She would make such a fuss crying then decide to attempt facing her fear, but could barely dip her foot in ankle deep without squeezing her eyes and flailing her hands as she tried to keep her toes in the water. We’re in a lake! Maybe this is the analogy I’m looking for... to translate this from a moment-in-time example to the big picture...
We go through our days with this desire to go swimming, and we stare at this big beautiful lake. The water is serene, there are statuesque Swiss Alp-like mountains painting a backdrop, their snowy tops reflect in the glass mirror as the sun ignites the bright blue sky. The birds are chirping amidst the abundance of forest that lines the beaches. We keep strolling the perimeter of the lake, taking quick glances at it’s beauty, getting sucked into it’s magnificence. Thinking about what it would feel like to excitedly tear off our clothes and go running into the water with our arms open wide. Fully aware that the experience could be extraordinary - or down right terrible! The water could be freezing cold, sharp rocks on the shoreline bed, leeches, that icky feeling of seaweed as it grazes your legs - yuck! I hate that feeling. Let’s not forget the sharks. You guys… There could be sharks in that lake. But, it also could be just as magnificent as you imagined it would be. Cool and refreshing water, clear and blue like the sky so when you glide along you can see the sandy floor as you tip-toe through the natural ridges embedded. Would you go? Would you stop pacing back and forth deciding, waiting to hear what the other swimmers experiences were? Doing this little dance of being “rational” and telling yourself and all those around you that the water should surely be freezing at this time of the year. Talking yourself down and succumbing to the fear of frigid fresh water infested with sharks.
The card the universe flipped over for me was Fear, and I can’t (but can) believe it did. I think that’s why I got the tear in my eye because I knew deep down how badly I needed to be smothered in the face with the pillow of “Get the f*ck over it”. This is what it said:
5 of Wind: Fear
Venus in Aquarius
This woman embodies fear, as it begins in the mind and is held in place by the mind. The mushroom clouds of her painful creation stalk her and torture her too that they may be faced, addressed and released.
This card poses important questions: What are your fears saying to you? Are they demanding your attention by day and haunting your dreams by night? Name your fears and meet them, lest you hide from them and they surface when least convenient. Your fears are your voice and need to be heard and honored. When you listen to them and act appropriately, only then can they finally be released.
With all transparency fellow Hussies… My fears are that I’m not working hard enough to further my career. I have two part time jobs bartending and serving at two different restaurants, I take salary cuts when I land a role in a short film or feature film that I love and that fulfills me as an actor and I absolutely adore it. I finally booked and filmed a huge commercial for a very well known car company and that is something I am very proud of. But no matter the long days I work and hustle back and forth from bar to audition to home to set, I want to be further along the line. When I take time to sit down and watch an episode of The West Wing, I feel guilty for not spending that time at the gym or making money else where so I can pay for more acting classes. But then where do I find balance? My fear is being unsuccessful. I’m struggling to stay in the beautiful lake water and not grow weary of the possible looming shark.
Well, now that my fear has been heard, I will honor it and proactively make changes. I will carve out more time in the day to feed my artistic side whether that is read, write, work on my screenplay or jot down choreography in my notebook. The balance will be paying even closer attention to the business side of my industry with research, casting notices and editing my websites.
Okay... Your turn.
